Blooming

On the dawn of a February morning, just as the sun was beginning to peek around the edges of the world and he lay safe from the chill of the morning underneath the sheets of his bed, the blade dug deeper into Elliot’s chest. He shifted in bed and flinched, causing James to groan and crack an eye open. His arm tightened around Elliot’s waist.

“The hell? What’s wrong?” James’s voice was thick with sleep, barely audible over the bird that chirped outside of their window. Their five in the morning alarm clock, Elliot always said at the beginning of spring. James was kind enough to laugh, as if the joke was still funny, even after the years they had spent together. Elliot pressed a smile into his pillow before the pressure in his chest grew more intense and he shifted to try and accommodate it.

“The sun’s in my eyes,” Elliot said, grimacing. He twisted his hands in the sheets and watched them scrunch up before he slowly released them and allowed them to sink back into soft crinkles. “I’m fine. You go back to sleep, yeah?”

When he was certain that James had dozed off again, Elliot slowly extracted himself from the man’s arms and put on a t-shirt. The fabric was soft against his skin and clung too tightly to the hilt of the blade. It was comforting in the same way that it was painful. He made his way out of their bedroom on the tips of his toes to go downstairs in search of coffee.

Mhairi was sitting at the kitchen table, a mug in her hand.When Elliot rounded the corner he flinched at the sight of her. The blade bit into his chest, stinging and clawing at his skin, and he bit down on the groan that threatened to escape him.

“You almost gave me a heart attack,” he said.

Mhairi looked up from her mug, eyes narrowing. Then she smiled. “Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to. Do you want some tea?”

Elliot snorted and ran a hand through his hair. “No. I need coffee. It’s too early in the morning to be awake.”

The coffee machine started up with a rumble and Mhairi snorted but didn’t say anything. Elliot fished through the cabinets for a mug of his own, gripping the bright red porcelain tightly in one hand. The coffee machine made angry noises at him, too old to work properly but still young enough to put up a fight. Elliot set it to brew, his fingers tapping at the swirls within the marble counter-top.

“Elliot.”

Startled, Elliot turned around to look at Mhairi, his brow furrowing when he noticed how intensely she was staring at him. He turned to pour himself coffee as an excuse to look away from her stare. Eventually, he sat next to her at the table and said, “What is it?”

“I can take it out today,” Mhairi said. She glanced down at Elliot’s chest and frowned. The hilt sparkled in the sunlight. “If you want.”

Elliot tapped his fingers against the table. He thought of James, upstairs and asleep and probably drooling on their pillows. He stared down at his mug. His hands clenched around the mug. Suddenly, irrationally, he felt as if he might break the mug. He took a deep breath and forced his hands relax.

“No,” he said. He cleared his throat. “Thank you. But it’s okay.”

“You…” She sighed. Elliot pretended that he didn’t hear. “You can’t keep pretending, Elliot. It’s getting worse.”

He clenched his jaw. “It’s fine.”

Mhairi arched an eyebrow at him. “There’s blood on your shirt.”

He looked down and blinked at the smear of red that had ruined the white fabric. James wouldn’t be happy, especially since Elliot had stolen this shirt from him two days ago and it was one of James’s favorites. The more he looked at the stain, the bigger it grew. It was a blatant and desperate scream for aid but, still, he took a step away from Mhairi. His fingers tightened around his mug, white knuckles on red porcelain.

“Not today,” he said.

Mhairi set her mug down on the table and it made a sound that caused Elliot to wince. “If not today then when?”

Elliot looked away and turned to stare out the window. Outside, the birds still had yet to stop chirping. His eyes drifted to the melting banks of snow that were sparse across the yard. He took a sip of his coffee.

“Not today.”

Mhairi moved in front of him and blocked his view outside the window. Her hair was sticking up at odd angles, bright red and obnoxious. He had told her not to dye it, but James had insisted that the color was pretty and, with someone in her corner, there was never a way to stop Mhairi from doing what she wanted. Especially when Elliot’s main complaint had been “you know I hate the color red.” When Mhairi had showed up two days later with her hair electric red, she had stuck her tongue out at him.

“I have to say goodbye first,” Elliot said. He set the mug down on the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. The hilt of the blade caught on his arm and his breath caught. Eventually he added, “And I don’t want to do that today.”

Just as Mhairi opened her mouth to say something in return, likely something obnoxious that Elliot didn’t want to hear, footsteps approached them, slow and clomping.

A soft kiss was pressed to his cheek and James moved to ruffle Mhairi’s hair.

“Morning, you two,” he said, snagging Elliot’s unfinished mug of coffee from the counter. James turned around to look at Elliot and frowned. “What did you get on my shirt?”

Elliot blinked. James reached out to poke at the stain and Elliot fell backwards a step, pain turning his vision red.

“Shit,” he said, jaw clenched. “Don’t do that.”

When his vision cleared, the first thing he saw was James’s panicked eyes. “Are you okay? Hey. Elliot, what… What was that?”

“We have to do it today,” Mhairi said. Elliot clenched his hand against the back of the chair and swallowed down his anger. The shirt didn’t really look like it was white anymore. “If we don’t do it today you’ll never be able to get it out.”

James looked between the two of them, his eyes wide. “Get what out?”

Elliot let go of the chair and stood straight, his hands shaking. A hiss left him. He took a step closer to James but he didn’t answer. There wasn’t anything to say.

“I’ll wait for you in the other room,” Mhairi said, and then she was gone.

“I’m sorry.” Elliot took a step closer. He cupped James’s face in his hands and smiled, even though it felt as if he shouldn’t. “I love you. And I’m so sorry.”

“What?” James asked. “I… I love you too, but what does that mean, Elliot?”

Elliot took a step back and smiled. “Stay here, okay?”

He stepped back and turned to where Mhairi was waiting for him, his chest hollow and his shirt stained in shades of red.

Outside the birds were still chirping, and as the sun rose higher, the snow melted into the earth.